"Things I Don’t Understand/ Questions"
That little voice in your head,
The one that keeps your company in a lonely room
Your minds self expression
Only you are privy to its words
It belongs only to you
Yet everyone has their own
Unique but also one in a trillion, trite.
It sounds exactly as you do when you allow these words to manifest into the physical realm of being
Did we develop these specific intonations of our own voices inside our own minds? So much so that we’ve grown accustomed to it sounding as our own voices?
Or did we always sound this way to ourselves from our very inception? The world only able to hear our mind’s voice when we so choose?
What came first?
Our ability to think without words through this small voice?
Or was it our innate ability to learn language to express these things we feel?
Well Im using this voice right now, to express to you how I feel and what I think. It’s my only channel to the outside world.
What exists beyond what I can understand?
I would really love to know the answers to these enigmas that my human companions can relate to, but cannot understand themselves.
When I close my eyes I’m all that I hear, the loudest thing in my head.
Im closest to myself then.
I hear all my fears and all my joys.
All my insecurities and shortcomings.
No one can reach me here if I only listen to myself.
They can’t hear my inner most thoughts nor can they tarnish my hopes and aspirations here.
A secret place for just me, and me alone.
The translation from my inner voice to my physical speech is a tool through which I have a medium to express myself to the world.
The world only gets to know what I choose it to know
Sadly this can be the flaw with my world.
With everyone harnessing a different soul
Some choose the route of dishonesty,
Using their own inner voices to change the truth only his/her mind truly knows
Is it a manifestation of my conscious, speaking to me with the words of my mind?
What happens when I slowly drift away from my conscious, into the realm of dreams?
I don’t hear my conscious, my inner voice that speaks to me.
If I can’t hear myself how do I construct worlds which parallel the one in which I live?
Or do I speak to myself there as well?
Only in a way that is less clear than the voice I hear in my conscious state?
So many mysteries still lie within the human mind."
What am I capable of?
What is my full potential?
If I lie closer to myself, escape to the darkness beyond my eyes, can I see more clearly who I’m supposed to be?
"Passion on Hold"
My camera is down for the time being so all new ideas are being put on hold. Seems no one on this small rock of an island is competent enough to fix my camera. The best solution the camera technician could muster up was I need a new camera…no what YOU need is a new profession.
Thus, I’m saving for a new camera. Maybe the universe will smile on me soon. Until then..
I’m no good at these. Tomorrow one of my very close friends leaves the island to go back home. I don’t want her to go. The reality of not having her around anymore to spend idle times with is slowly seeping in. No more “Hey Debs you home? Im coming over” No more random, spur of the moment parties or outings just to get shit off our minds. She was the soft pillow to fall back on when I went through my really painful breakup, coaxing me into believing that everything would be alright, going random places so that my mind wouldn’t dwell on it. She certainly was one of the most comforting friends to have through the tough times.
I can’t believe four years have come to an end already and although we only began getting closer after third year, she had a significant impact on my life thereafter. It’s gonna be so weird knowing that she will not be coming back for another semester of school like we’re used to; that she’ll never come back to Jamaica unless it’s for a specific reason.
Sometimes I wonder why my closest friends throughout university were international students. It only hurts in the long run when they have to leave. But I guess that having their friendship despite the distance is a lot better than never having been able to meet them at all.
I’m gonna miss you Debs.
I hate goodbyes.